READER QUESTION: Our beautiful baby daughter is lucky to have two fabulous grandparents (my husbands parents) who absolutely adore her.  However they think it is fun to sit my 16 month old daughter on their lap in the driver's seat of their car so she can reach the steering wheel, then drive up and down the road (deserted cul-de-sac) with her. She thinks it's great, the grandparents enjoy it, and hubby thinks it's funny. I don't want them doing it as I think it is unsafe. Am I just being paranoid or, if not, how do I go about making this stop? I have voiced my opinion and wishes but just get shrugged off by both my husband and the grandparents as being 'silly' because 'it's harmless'. On a similar vein, when they want to take her somewhere, my husband puts her car seat in their car, but the fixtures do not seem to do up as securely in their car as ours, and the car seat can move quite a bit more than the kidsafe recommendations. I express that it is unsafe and don't want her to be taken anywhere in it like that, but again just get told 'we won't have an accident' and to 'relax' as my daughter will enjoy going out with her grandparents. I am happy for my daughter to go with her grandparents, I just want the car seat fitted properly so it is safe and doesn't wobble. None of us 'plan' to have accidents! How do I get heard and keep my daughter safe without offending the nicest grandparents in the world and without anyone else backing me up? I have tried asking and explaining on many occasions to no avail. Melissa

The Queensland Government states:
"Seatbelt laws: Babies aged under one must be protected in an approved child restraint (for example, a baby capsule) that is properly fastened and adjusted.

Children over one and under 16 should be restrained by an appropriate Standards-Australia-approved child restraint (for example, a child seat, booster seat or child safety harness) or seatbelt that is properly fastened and adjusted.
There are different restraints for children of different sizes. If a child is large enough, the normal seatbelt must be used.

The driver's responsibility
The driver is responsible and risks a fine of A$225 and three demerit points for ignoring these laws. The only exemptions are:
• taxis and private hire vehicles where no restraint is supplied
• on medical grounds where a certificate is provided by a doctor.
If more than one seat belt offence occurs within a 12-month period, an additional three demerit points will apply. The additional demerit point penalty will apply to driver-related offences for seatbelts, and rider-related offences for helmets.
Last updated 03 November 2008”
http://www.transport.qld.gov.au/Home/Safety/Road/Motor_vehicle/Child_restraints/Rs_mv_restraint_seatbelt_laws

Your daughter is very fortunate that she has grandparents who dote on her, and I fully understand your desire to not offend them. This is probably one of the oldest quandaries in the book – how to maintain control in the midst of opinions and actions from parents-in-law. The simplest answer to your question is to be clear about your boundaries, and enforce them in an assertive, yet respectful way. Being assertive is one of the best skills one can learn, not only to maintain our own personal boundaries and space, but also to make sure that no one oversteps the boundaries we place on our children’s movements and actions. Unfortunately we cannot control someone else’s actions, thoughts or feelings. However, we can influence their actions by our own actions, thoughts and feelings. In taking back the control, you will also lessen the anxiety that I am sure you feel each time your in-laws take your daughter out.

I feel very strongly about car safety, and given the current traffic regulations, so does law enforcement. Regardless of whether your in-laws believe they will never have an accident, or whether your husband thinks it is fun, or whether your daughter is enjoying it (which I’m sure she is!), it is illegal to transport a child in anything other than an appropriate car seat. And that is where your boundary needs to be. There should be a blanket rule against transporting your daughter without a car seat. There are two reasons for this: The first is the obvious reason of providing protection to your daughter in the event of an accident. The second reason is to create a boundary with your daughter, one where she knows that, when she’s in the car she sits in the car seat. If she learns (and believe me she’s learning quickly at this age) that there is room for doubt or manipulation, she will start resisting sitting in the car seat. You will need to use a car seat for a very long time, so you don’t want to create the situation where your daughter is going to have a tantrum each time you try to strap her in. This will not affect your in-laws, but will create a lot of frustration and time-wasting for you.
Enforcing the rule might mean that you would need to restrict your in-laws’ movements with your daughter – although this might create tension in the short term, your in-laws will likely come around in time if you are consistent and assertive about this, as they would want to continue spending time with your daughter. You can also arrange for the RACQ to inspect the car seat fittings in your in-laws’ car and to show them how to fit the seat properly. Alternatively, you could buy another car seat that the RACQ can fit in their car for frequent use, thereby making it easier for them to comply with using the car seat.

As far as your husband is concerned, it is unfortunate that he does not support you in this issue. I would be interested to know what his general involvement is in your daughter’s care. I would address your concerns with him in a neutral environment, asking him to hear you out so that you could come up with a plan together on how to approach the car issue. It is usually helpful to give men the opportunity to process issues without expecting a commitment straight away. If you confront your husband in front of his parents, he might be more inclined to take their side, leaving you with little support.

I believe this issue has implications beyond the car seat. It is a concern when there is little regard for your beliefs about the best way to raise your daughter. There will likely be many more battles to be fought over the issue of control. If you don’t stand firm now, you will forever be giving in, probably mostly on small matters, but what about the big issues such as boys, sex and alcohol when your daughter is older. It is important to think of the longer term implications and the potential cost to your family. As your daughter’s mother, you always have her best interests at heart, regardless of whether this might offend someone else. Herein lies the challenge. If you find that you continue to struggle with this issue, I would suggest speaking to a Psychologist about assertiveness training and to give your support in enforcing your wishes.

Good luck!